Finally, our prayers were answered once again with the news of another pregnancy & we were filled with joy to find out we were having a beautiful, healthy baby girl whom we call Sadie. I am have started a little journal for her as well to document her journey in life as she faces her little goals and new experiences.

Journal for Sadie
-my heart has been divided to possess two components: an unwavering love for my sweet baby girl that consumes me and the other for my admiring husband and his admiration for his family; it is an infectious opulence I find in that my life has been refreshed & refined!

Birthing Experience

We had the most perfect pregnancy. I did get a bad case of acne, swelling in my feet and legs, and heartburn but nothing out of the ordinary. I gained an average amount of weight, in the early months I gained more very quickly, the Dr. even said on one visit to my dismay that I was 4 lbs over my target weight. But around the six months I stopped gaining weight and from that point on, I lost some. I was lucky enough throughout the pregnancy to not even have to purchase very many maternity tops because it was winter time and all of the sweaters were made long, so I just bought them in “bigger” sizes. Now, I did have to purchase maternity pants in a variety of styles, couldn’t really get by with that one.

We arrived at the Dr.’s office on Tuesday March 31st for our weekly checkup at 10 a.m. that morning. I checked in as usual with no worries or concerns and I was anticipating lunch with a co-worker and her friend that afternoon around two o’clock. When I was called back, I was weighed, had my blood pressure checked as well as your little heartbeat. Everything checked out perfect, your heartbeat always remained around 140 BPM and my blood pressure remained consistent throughout the entire pregnancy.

When the Dr. came in her asked me the usual questions, checked my swelling and measured my belly. When I told him I hadn’t felt you move the day before he asked me why I had not called him and I simply explained that I figured since the appointment was the next morning he would simply say that he would see me then. But he said, No, I would have sent you straight to labor and delivery. That statement terrified me! I wondered what that exactly meant. So he decided to hook me up to the stress test machine. I sat there for twenty minutes before finally telling the nurse that I had not eaten that morning or at all that day. So they brought me some OJ, in hopes that your activity would spike. When it still did not another red flag was raised.

So we moved to the ultrasound machine to do a Biophysical Profile for 30 minutes, where you were supposed to move at least 8 times. To our surprise, she said that you were sitting on your rump, which meant your head was that huge knot I had felt for two weeks under my left rib. Automatically, after a choice word, a C-Section ran through my mind and that was the last thing I wanted to experience. But I held onto the thought that there were movement things they could do to turn you or we could wait and see if you would turn yourself. Twenty minutes in and nothing, no movements, I kept trying to read the ultrasound tech’s face and her eyes as she watched you on the screen that I could not see. When I mentioned to that lady that I thought it may be due to myself not eating that day she stated that it may be a good thing to have not eaten in case the Dr. wanted to take us in for a C-Section that night. My mouth dropped and I could feel the warm tears swelling, I couldn’t breathe and the room started spinning. I felt sick, so she offered me some water and let me bend my legs towards my chest. I nearly passed out because I was so nervous and I knew it was still too early for your arrival.

So once we finished the US and those dreaded words of “nothing” in relation to your movements came from her mouth, the tears streamed and my heart began to crack. The Dr. looked seriously worried which for his usual laid back demeanor, this was unusual. I sat and waited clinging to his words to understand something from this day. I couldn’t wrap my head around it because your heart beat was great. He explained to us that you had no movements in almost two hours of monitoring and you were not practice breathing on your own. Then he stunned me with, “I am going to need to take you in tonight,” and I asked all too well knowing, “for a C-Section?” I can remember the nod of his head and then he stated that he didn’t know what you were doing and he would feel better knowing you were out. Then he said, “I am not giving you the option, I want you to go home, pack a bag and be back by three & we will do it around five.”

When we got back to the hospital, things moved so quickly. We were immediately placed in a room and were surprised when they told us that the Dr. wanted to move the surgery up to four o’clock. They hooked me up quickly to several monitors and asked me many questions. I froze when they asked me if I had a living will. Nothing I had really thought about, I looked over at Toby with fear found in both of our eyes as my voice broke when I said, no.”

Next, the dreaded Epidural nurse rolled in his cart and I looked away because I didn’t want to see any of the things he was about to use. He made me sit up on the edge of the table and the nurse laid her arms over my shoulders as I curved my back. Worst of all they tell you to remain as still as possible while they stab you in the back. With the first try, my right leg all of a sudden started jerking; I quickly told him and asked the nurse if that was normal. She didn’t respond the first time I asked her. When I asked her quickly a second time and with more assertion, she said it was o.k. So he had to take it out and try again because he had hit a nerve. With the second one, I could feel the warm fluid in my back run down my bottom and then down my leg on the right side. It was a very uncomfortable feeling.

Once that was done, I was tucked back into my bed and watched Toby put his scrubs on and I thought, wow this is about to really happen. To my relief, a friend of ours who works at the Medical Center made a special call in to my Dr. and the hospital to have a very nice nurse go through the surgery with me. Then I remember saying my good byes and wondering would I make it through this to see this people I love so much again. I remember being rolled out down those long halls with the bright lights. I remember wiggling my toes the entire way to the operating room and asking the sweet nurse if it was normal to be able to still do this. She said it was a really good sign and then my uncontrollable shaking began. It was like an out of body experience, I had no control over my body.

I remember the operating room vividly, it was small and they had 80’s music playing. They said that my Dr. requires it for all his surgeries. I freaked out once they strapped my arms down outward to the sides and the blue shield went up. I felt so alone because Toby wasn’t supposed to be in there until I was prepped and I felt misunderstood. I wasn’t supposed to be here, this wasn’t supposed to be me. I felt really out of it, I remember my eyes were drifting as if I could go to sleep, but I kept trying to look around while I moaned and cried. My doctor graciously tried to comfort me. They tested my skin by pinching me 10 times, which I never felt. I felt relieved when Toby finally came in. He was such an excellent coach.

I could feel a vibration when they started, they explained what they were doing during the whole process and I kept reverting back to mental images of C-Sections I had seen on TLC and the discovery health channel. I could feel the pressure placed on me the entire time. Then when they started pushing on my abdomen to get her out, I got really scared and Toby coached me to breathe in and out.

Then those precious words, “there is a leg, and another leg, and a back and here she is.” Then he brought her around and held her up so I could see her. A memory I will never forget. She looked pitiful, lifeless arms and legs, bluish grey in color, and silent. As they worked on her, I kept asking if she was o.k. and finally I heard her little scream that brought tears to my eyes.

As they worked on me, I started feel a tingling sensation and vocal me immediately told them and they gave me more of something in my IV and I was out. I slept through the whole sewing up portion of the experience. I could remember being wheeled through the halls and wondering if I was alive, was I dreaming, and did I make it. I kept trying to lift my head to see down the hallway where there were so many people gathered. I could hear their voices wondering if that was me on that stretcher. I couldn’t contain my smile when I finally saw our family and friends waiting.

Month One
My heart melted the moment I laid eyes on you……..

Sadie, you were born on Tuesday, March 31st at 5:44 p.m. You weighed 6 lbs 7 oz and were 19 ½ inches tall when you entered our world, Daddy got to show you off to all the friends and family waiting to meet you.

It was noon the next evening before I got to finally come see you again; I had a moment of tears while watching T.V. I saw a commercial for a new show about chimpanzee rescues, there was an infant that the handlers were trying to resuscitate and they were worried it may not pull through. It made me think about you and how I couldn’t help you, I felt so alone and vulnerable as you were.

You spent your first nine days of life in the NICU, fighting off fluid on your lungs, in taking pressurized oxygen, a small tear in one lung and Jaundice. You were given fluids through an IV in your tiny hands and feet and an antibiotic and your little tummy struggled at first to digest the first bit of mommy’s milk you had.

You were spoiled to the bottle that the NICU nurses fed you on and that made it hard for you to transition to actual nursing. You would fuss and cry but eventually latch on, but only to get easily tired and result in both of us needing to sleep.

You enjoyed the opportunity to do skin to skin with mommy. The body heat kept you warm and you would nuzzle your little head into my chest to fall asleep.

Mommy had never changed a diaper or bottle fed before you, so she was really nervous as to how to hold you, burp you and pick you up. To add to those fears, all of the corded connections to you and the monitors intimidated me beyond comparison.

The NICU nurses were so good to you, they made you a little hat with your name on it, your first scrapbook page that stayed on your little bed, an Easter dress, and love dolls that mommy could hold then place with you in your bed at night. They all talked about how beautiful and sweet you were.

You had some little room mates. Our favorite we called baby McKenzie. She was much smaller than you but she could move, kick and scream with the best of them. The nurses would say every time they came over to you, she would get jealous and throw a fit for their attention.
Mommy and daddy stayed with you throughout your entire stay. We were blessed to be given a free hospitality room for four days through the TLC program.

While we patiently waited for you, mommy and daddy talked with many people, got to know many of the hospital staff, had several visitors and went through a lot of training and preparation (lactation nurse, CPR/Choking).

There were so many people at the hospital to welcome you to this world.

We were so thrilled when it was time for you to come home, I can remember the excitement I had putting on your first little outfit to finally take your hospital pictures in before coming home. You certainly did not like the bright lights of the mobile camera, but the lady was able to get a cute shot of you lying on your pink polka dot blanket with the little lamb on it.

Nurse Autumn helped us buckled you into the car seat and walked us out. It was such a beautiful warm sunny day, GOD truly blessed us. It had been cold and rainy the three days leading up to your dismissal from the hospital.

On the ride home, mommy couldn’t stand to not see you, so at every stop light I would stop, turn around and look over the car seat to see if you were breathing well. Then half way home, I pulled over at the IGA, got out and checked on you again before continuing on that long path home.

We have had many interesting little experiences along the way so far at home. While in the hospital, you wore a little button up shirt but you came home in a precious Biscotti outfit that was entirely too big for you. You are in those in between sizes, not really a preemie but not full term yet either, so everything literally swallows you.

Mommy is over protective. At first I didn’t want Bailey and Noah to roam free about the house around you, I needed complete silence throughout the house to not disturb your slumber (that included the T.V. doors shutting and daddy’s footsteps) and I was consumed by fixating my attention and eyes on you 24/7 to ensure you were breathing.

You really don’t like to have your diaper changed, clothing changed or to take a bath. You scream at every opportunity to let us know what you think. You also don’t like to sit in your bassinet, bouncer, or swing (which doesn’t work). As soon as you leave our arms to be placed in any of these you wail until someone comes and places you back in their arms.

You really are a good baby! You cry only to communicate that you are hungry, have a messy diaper or uncomfortable (gas & bloating).

You are still wearing swaddlers new born diapers, which fit you comfortably. No leaks, yet!
You did have thrush in your mouth and a small diaper rash all as a result of having to take that antibiotic while in the NICU. The pediatrician gave us some good medicine for both areas called Nystatin.

You tend to get really bad gas problems in your belly. Your little belly will swell up and make you very uncomfortable when being held, placed on your back and sometimes on your belly hurts too. You make the funniest grunting noises and whining sounds when trying to have a pooh or pass gas. You wine and jostle around on my chest or in our arms making these noises when you are like this. We are giving you Mylicone drops to help soothe this problem.

It is hard for you to sleep, related to the gas. You are not on a consistent schedule yet. You have your bottle, and then wrestle about an hour before relaxing enough to sleep.

You love your butt and back to be patted on all the time, this is usually how we get you to sleep.

Daddy likes to walk you around the house for a bit. We also rock you at every chance we get.

You sneeze all the time; usually three tiny precious sneezes at a time escape you. I can always tell when you are going to sneeze because you raise up or stretch your body, your face contorts, eyes squint and you purse your little lips out and around into a circular shape as to say “oh”and then your mouth opens really wide. Same goes for your infectious yawn, which I adore watching.

You love to lie on your tummy on mommy and daddies chest and we love it too. We like to feel you breathing as you lay there, cheeks smooshed into a little pillow for your head and arms either tucked under your head or stretched out the sides. We like to think that you enjoy the warmth and listening to our heart beats.

When you first came home, you ate very little and it was a struggle to get down 45 ml. That quickly changed, we noticed when you didn’t seem satisfied because you would wake up every hour and a half giving your little feeding cues with your mouth. Now you are eating 60 ml every three hours and attempting to sleep for about two hours in between. That first hour of the three is taken up trying to comfort you to a nap.

You have such good fine and gross motor skills. From day one, you were an expert at grasping things with your tiny fingers, especially mommy and daddy’s fingers during feeding time or whenever we would caress your little hands. You even hold your bottle now when you eat, as if to help mommy out at times. In the NICU, when lying on your belly, you would push up on your hands and knees to raise your little head. You continue to grow and get stronger in this area here at home when lying on our chests.

After we feed you, we attempt to burp you and we can always tell when it is coming up because you will lift your entire body by arching your back and hold yourself for a few seconds. We are so proud of our baby girl.

You love to kick your little legs and wave your arms. Mommy calls you a wiggle worm because you won’t stay swaddled in your blanket for longer than a few milliseconds. First you get your straight arms in a bend and literally wiggle them to the top of the blanket under your chin, and then you constantly stretch your legs until they are blankie free.

Mommy and daddy have contributed to many nicknames for you all ranging from Sadiekins, wiggle worm, baby girl, booger butt, missy and little lady.

You love your car seat and riding in the car. You sleep the entire journey even when mommy struggles getting you in and out of the car. Your poor little head worries me because you are so small that you don’t fit in the head rest, so your head literally gravitates to you right side and the car seat sits so straight up that you immediately get the what we like to call, “bull dog” sweet cheeks syndrome, where they hang down to your chest.

You are not a huge fan of the pacifier yet, you prefer you fingers and whole hand to suck and naw at many times. Soothies were your favorite in the NICU, but once you got your first taste of mommy’s milk you were smart enough to know that there was nothing coming out of a pacifier.
Mommy loves listening to daddy through the walls talk, laugh and daunt over you.

Not too big on the boppy yet, because you don’t quite fit into it yet. Serves as a great text book holder for now!

You don’t like your milk cold, you prefer it warmed in a glass of hot water.

Facial expressions, kisses

You tend to get hiccups on average of every other day. You whole little body jerks with each one.
We have spent our days listening and watching the CMT channel. Mommy sits and sings to you and at times you recognize some of the songs I sang everyday in the car to you.

When you have your bottle sometimes you cough because for one; gravity pulls the milk down for you and you eat too fast. You make the loudest slurping noises sometimes, it makes me laugh. I love when the milk drains down your chin and into the creases of your chubby neck. You like to hold your face when you eat, I am not a fan because you scratch you little cheeks and head when you pull down with your fingers. You have started to really drool milk and have some major spit ups that soil the collars of all of your little outfits. You like to spit up while we try to burp you so that it runs all down our hands, lap and the furniture.

You are not a fan of the nose sucker that we use to capture your boogies. You bend your little button nose in disgust and let out a whimper as you move your head away in the opposite direction.

You do not like the bright flash of the camera but mommy enjoys photographing you daily. It is one of my passions, ask anyone who knows me well.

You receive daily compliments on your complexion. This is something I never really paid attention to on other babies before you came along
You have so many cute expressions. Mommies favorite is when you lift your eye brows and form a circle with your perfect little lips.

Mommy and daddy banter over who you look like all the time. I see your daddy from your forehead, your little receding hair line on top (it’s starting to grow hair though), your double chin, and your dimple line across your chin. Well, what’s left for mommy to claim? I think you have my light brown hair, my button nose and those beautiful lips had to come from me!

You have some Poopy diaper explosions quite often, during changing time you scream because you don’t like cold wipes or lying on your back. It is a challenge to change your diaper because you kick so much that sometimes you pull your legs up and drop them right in your poop. You also like to roll to the left, this may be because your temporary changing table is a satin blanket covered couch for the time being and mommies new bed.

When we feed, talk and play with you. You watch us with your dark grayish blue/hazel eyes, we like to call them mammaws eyes. We are excited to see what color your eyes end up being since mommy has brown and daddy has bright blue.

We adore your chubby arms and legs. You have the most perfect little rolls.

48 oz coffee and 3 hours sleep a night is exhausting.