Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Dancing on my Heart

When you get older, there are few thing in life that make your heart skip a beat. Like when your a kid on Christmas morning waiting in anticipation to see what Santa has brought you. As an adult, we live day by day, moment by moment in anticipation of what our Savior has brought us. His all significant Grace can be found in the smallest most trivial things but as a mother the smallest yet biggest moments that take our breath away. Like the birth of a child. So small, yet So significant in our lives journey. Your pathway in life changes instantly and so does your perspective on life and just how precious it is and every moment you get to spend watching it take shape and form in His beauty.

My heart skipped a beat recently and I knew it was the Lord holding me tightly paving my way in that moment. I live in my own turmoil for several months each year since my mother's death. So many special occasions I have to "get through" without her being there to share. Her birthday (January 27th), the birthday of my Beautiful daughter who she never met (March 31), the birthday of the daughter she brought in this world (April 16), and worst of all Mother's Day (Every May). It's a tough road to brace that others simply don't understand.

I had a whirlwind of emotions this year especially because of the anticipation of Sadie's first dance recital on the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death. I could not imagine just how I was going to be spending a day in awe of my little girl in one of her biggest moments trying to watch her on a day  that I for the past two years sit, cry, and mull over in my head every moment of that dreadful day.........the little girl (student) sitting and writing about her worry for her mother, the phone call, the words "your mother passed away 45 minutes ago," the cries, screams, tears, caskets, flowers, music, formal wear, facing people, unspoken words, adolescence lost, personal heart break that only I know or understand.
So on May 15th 2011, I put on a brave face, got myself out of bed and got Sadie ready for her BiG DaY! She took her bath, brushed her teeth, put her hair in rollers and we drove to the Capital Arts Theatre in Bowling Green

How sweet it was to see her all dolled up. The theme of the show was
"America" and her dance was to the "Good Ole Lollipop Ship." She honestly reminded me of a version of Minnie Mouse.

 I remember parting from her Daddy leaving clear camera instructions and waiting in the basement. I talked to some other moms as everyone got ready not really clear on how this would all happen. As the time drew closer to her debut, I remember the call to come to the stage entrance and excitedly talking to Sadie about her big dance! When we reached the stairway, I remember it being dark from the stage lighting and as we got onto the backstage area there was a translucent red light beaming from the ceiling and the Gummy Bear song playing loudly for a routine that was just starting. By the way, we still sing the Gummy Bear song all throughout the house at times. It's catchy and Sadie bounced to it while waiting and pointing at her beloved Mrs. Heather, in awe that she was dancing with colorful bears!

As I sat and watched these older little girls dance, in the dark background, I got really emotional all of a sudden. I thought about how I was sitting there on the brink of utter sadness for a loss while the Lord had given me the sweetest gift on the what I thought was the saddest day. I was about to watch my sweet girl dance with so much life (or stand there, sway a moment and cry for her mamma). But He was showing me how much He had given me on such a wretched day, the opportunity, the moment and chance to see her do these things. Sadie could have not been here for this moment or even more I could not be here. But we were here, in this beautiful magical moment and I knew He needed me to Cherish it and hold on to it instead of my sadness.  That is Grace at it's best..........

 "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see

T'was Grace that taught...

my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear...

the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...

we have already come.

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...

and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be...

as long as life endures.
When we've been here ten thousand years...

bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise...

then when we've first begun.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see."

All in all, with family there in support it was an amazing day and experience I will never forget as a mother and a believer. There was no mistake in His planning of this day being on the date that it was. He was showing me something only I could see that day and He held me throughout that day and I could here him say, "Now, do you see?"